First day of placement and I think I did alright. It was actually kind of boring since I didn't get my InDesign and Photoshop software until 3 in the afternoon. I look forward to tomorrow, except getting up first thing in the morning.

Alas, there is not much I can do about my time of arrival.

I'm just proud of myself that I didn't get too nervous and worked up over things like I usually do. I have a tendency to make myself sick with worry when it comes to "trying new things" in my life - especially job and school related ones.

What can I say? I hate not knowing where I'm supposed to be and looking like a dork. I'm just glad I have my own little office where I can hang my coat and put my lunch until lunchtime.

It will be a good six weeks I predict ^_^

Yup.

Certainly been a while.

Almost six months.

No, I don't expect to make this any type of regular thing, mostly since it is just a random point of bordom which has overtaken my sleepie mind.

And tomorrow is another day.

I'm sure that it will be an interesting one at that - full of stress and other goodness.

I have to have my group project done-ish tomorrow, or so we hope. That means I need to ink my editorial comic tomorrow morning, scan it and bring it to school before my group mates mutany on me (the daring leader.) Otherwise, I have my article to write tomorrow, which doesn't bother me, as I know I can get it done. What bothers me is the idea that someone seems grumpy because I won't be free tomorrow (that I should have done it tonight, despite not having all my information gathered yet.)

I guess that's just too bad. I'm going to do what I need to do on this one, and no person in the world will be able to hold me back from it.

Except myself, of course.

Too bad I don't have this sort of conviction when it comes to other things, other decisions. Perhaps once my heavy school load is out of the way, I will not be able to hide from my thoughts anymore.

Because I enjoy hiding behind my daydreams instead of living in reality.

It's late, much past the time I wanted to sleep. I wonder if I will dream tonight...

I had posted this in my old journal a ways back and I wanted to repost it here because I love the story. I originally wrote it Christmas 2005.


Have you ever sat down and wondered what your favourite time of year is? Your favourite holiday? Season?
Mine would have to be Christmas. For those of you that celebrate Christmas, have a merry one! For those of you who do not, then Happy Holidays all the same :)

I was thinking today about Christmas this year. Things are going to be a little different I realize, new house, being so far away and having to leave again, new family members (my cousin and her fiancé are coming from Japan)... should be interesting this year. I was thinking earlier, would this Christmas match up to the Christmases of the past? I know every Christmas is special and it all depends what you make of it, but I can't help but fear that my personal traditions from childhood have died.

Every year, for as long as I can remember, I would always sneak downstairs Christmas morning between 2:00 and 4:00, waaaaaay before anyone in their right mind would be up in my house. When I was younger it was to make sure Santa had come, when I was a little older it was the thrill of getting past my parents. Once I was a teenager, it would be to turn on the Christmas lights and make sure everything was perfect for when everyone else woke up... and to keep my little tradition alive. It was always tricky, sneaking past my parents' bedroom and down the stairs. I knew where the creaks in the floor were, I learned that in my first few years. It was always a long trek to the tree, but always worth it in the end. Once we got Kero I had a new obstacle: keeping the dog quiet.

Last Christmas I knew would be my last chance to keep my tradition alive in that house, the house I grew up in. I had never known any other home. My parents had moved a lot of our stuff into the new house by then, and because of that, we only had a tiny little one foot tree set up on a table. We called it "The Charlie Brown Tree" I wanted last Christmas to be special. I talked to my sister and we devised a plan.
We set out to buy a new Christmas tree; we needed a new one anyway since the other tree was almost as old as I was and falling apart. We kept it a secret from our parents and hid it in the loft above the garage. Christmas Eve came and our secret was still safe. I brought my tradition alive once again and started creeping out of my room. This time was different though, I woke up my sister and we both went downstairs. We pulled the new tree out of the box and working by the light of some Christmas lights set up the biggest tree our house had ever seen!
I had bought some decorations from the dollar store because most of ours were packed away. Those went on the tree and once we were finished with our little surprise we both went back to bed.

I'm always the first one up on Christmas, I can't explain it, I just am. My parents made a rule not to go into their room before a certain time in the morning. That time came and my sister and I ran in talking excitedly about how they "have to see what Santa brought us!" My parents thought we were out of our minds but crawled out of bed and followed us downstairs. I turned around so I could see my parents. My mom was first and she stopped just in sight of the tree. She was shocked. My dad followed soon, asking why she was standing there then he saw it. There standing at the end of our living room was a tree put up with so much care and love. They were speechless, my sister and I had giant grins on our faces. It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt.

I think about last year and how I'll probably never top it, but that's alright. It was a good way to finish off my traditions of the old house. Perhaps this year all I need is to make a new tradition... what, I'm not sure yet but I'm sure I'll think of something!


And there I leave you with my favourite Christmas story. I have to go pack now as I leave for Sudbury tomorrow morning on the bus. I can't wait to go... home.

...

...

...

I don't even know where to start.

All I know for sure is that I feel like banging my head into a wall - or something equally as satisfying.

Another chance? Yes here we go. Around and around, where does it stop? Does it ever end? Will it stop somewhere where I may have placed a bet?

Tick tick tick

There are other people at the table, bets here, bets there. Some are larger, some have less to gamble with than the others.

Time to spin the wheel again.

Tick tick tick tick tick... tick.... tick..... tick......

Will it land on the right spot? Which one is the right spot? Only time will tell I suppose.



... I need to pee.

Entering closely to hour four of the seminar, I'm looking for a little something to do. It was really interesting right up until he started teaching about google.

I wish someone would gmail me.

Do do de do.

So I'm waiting in the room next to the shield lab. I finally got my internet working. Cambrian was being dumb.

Hooray!

Oh boy, here we go.

So I have an assignment due today (at noon to be precise) and I don't believe that I've even written it in the right format. I was told to write about Hallowe'en costumes (you know, something I sort of graduated in) but unless I talk to someone else about it, it's considered an opinion piece. The problem is, there's usually only one opinion piece per paper. This leaves me out hanging since Krysta got the opinion piece earlier in the week. When I asked my teacher about it, his response was rather vague:

"actually, your costume piece would probably go opposite Krysta's piece on
Burwash....she's taking others out with her..."

And that means... ?

So, yes? Or no? Am I supposed to be writing this as an opinion piece or not? Does anybody know anything anymore? (Not me!) I plan to hand it in as is, hopefully it's ok. If not, tomorrow will be one long, long day.

In other news, Strayth is super cool and draws good!
^_^v <- V sign.



That's it, for now... I will probably post again within half an hour or so I figure if I continue stressing.

Been a while, but I think I need this.

I know you're probably reading this, if not soon, then later if you get around to checking it. In fact, if I'm lucky, you've stopped checking altogether.

.. but I don't seem to be that lucky lately.

First off, sorry about yesterday. There were a lot of things I did that I shouldn't have done; but if I didn't, I wouldn't be writing here now would I? So I was in a bad mood yesterday, perhaps I went too far.

I know I went too far.

I shouldn't have gone so far, but I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. Mind you, I do not regret anything, as I plan to learn from it all. And learned, I think I have. I feel somewhat enlightened in that I now know what it is that I need; what I want. However, my enlightenment only goes so far since afterwards I am drug downwards by how I ended up uptaining said knowledge. I feel bad because of this. I was almost sick on my way home afterwards. I felt dirty, I couldn't sleep last night. I worry. I lie. I cheat. Somehow, I just don't feel I deserve all the good things that I have. I may not deserve them, but I need them.

And they know it.

I have class, but I don't want to go. I don't want to be here at school today, but I have obligations. I refuse to let my grasp on what I have here slip... but it certainly is loosening.

... class time.

Ever bleed all over the place?


I didn't think so.

YAY! Chris is here! The sneaky little bastard...


I'm waiting for him to get off warcraft however, so that we can head to bed. I'm really tired. I love Chris, he's the greatest thing in the world that I could ask for. I don't know what I would do without him.

So I know I haven't been updating very often, that's alright. To be honest, when I was off for three weeks I just sort of sat around and did nothing.

Wow has that ever come back to bite me in the ass.

I have an exam tomorrow, and I'm under some serious threat of failing my course. I need a good 75% on the exam just to get me back close to passing. Even then, I need to work my ass off in the next four weeks in the class to get my marks back up topside to get my credits.

Why?

Simple: I do NOT want to have to stay down here for school any longer than I have to.

As for the exam, am I really ready? I think I can handle it. I'm confident enough that whatever is thrown at me I will do my best and succeed to an extent. The only reason I'm doing so badly in the course is because I was too lazy to ever do the homework and hand it in... turns out that was a bad idea, heh.

Well, it's getting late. I promised the boyfriend that I would get a good night's sleep tonight, and I plan to, I'm plum tuckered out. At least it's not an 8:00 class. I'll have some time when I get there to really start freaking out. *insert angelic face here* No, seriously, I think I'll be ok. I'm sure Nikki's just as bad off as I am... well, maybe a little better, it's hard to say since I did better on the quizzes, but I think she handed in more homeworks.

Ah well, you know what? I don't give a flying rats ass how I'm doing in comparison to her - it'll only make me worry about how I'm doing more than I should.

... I should get going now, my typing isn't the quietest thing in the world and my sister is trying to sleep.

Signed,
- Me

Oh man, I don't know what it is... maybe the margarine went bad or something but I feel like shit.

Anyway... I'm here to say the following:

I'm sorry you felt cheated tonight.



Truth be told, I wasn't having the greatest of times. We'll aim for Saturday night and hopefully things will turn out better. I just can't get my brain around it really - I was so pumped for the session tonight and once it started... it all just sort of melted. It's my fault, I realize this, and hopefully whatever pre-madonna ideas I had to be pissy about have also melted by the weekend.

... Well, I guess I should go work on my campaign now or something.

... or barf.


Either way, blargh.

I know I should be in bed, I should have been in bed long ago... I WAS in bed but I can't sleep. Why? Because I have bad crampy cramps! That's why! Huzzah for crampy cramps! I hate crampy cramps actually, why do they have to hurt so much? What did women do to deserve this? We're not even supposed to have these crampy cramps so often because we're supposed to be baby machines! BABY MACHINES! I need to go lay down and sleep off my crampy cramps, but I can't sleep right now because my crampy cramps are keeping me up.

What you lookin' at?

Well, it's been a while.

Quick update. Teachers are on strike, so I've got some time to cook, clean and work. I'm looking forward to my campaigns on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. It's kind of crazy the amount of RP I do now in a week. Can I pick a favourite? Not really. Each character has a part of me inside of them.

Otherwise, not too much is new. I applied to journalism, still waiting on that.

And... I need some sleep. Really tired.


Can't wait...


... love RP.
<3

I hate PMS

Absolutely useless.

No drive.

No motivation.

No ambition.

No direction.

No desire.

No sense.

No usefulness.



Allow me to expand. I have work to do. Am I doing it? No, sadly I'm not. I look at it, knowing I should do it, knowing that if I don't I will regret it tomorrow when I have to go through and do everything. Will I do it then? Who knows. I'll probably try but it will be all too little too late. One of my teachers has already asked me if I was having a tough time this term. I think I am. Why? I don't know. I don't want to be here, I don't like doing this every day. Some things are ok, but it's not fun anymore. This was something sacred to me and it's been violated. It's violated every day that I have to show or do something at this wretched school.

Where do I go from here?

What do I do?

I have an interview Wednesday morning with a professional journalist here in Toronto. I was lucky enough to have one of my profs set it up for me. It actually got me thinking - what do I want to do next year?

I've really been enjoying my journalism class, contrary to what I thought. I started thinking about a simple Journalism degree on top of my Fashion Design degree which I will be getting this fall. I started looking into Journalism at different colleges, because after having been to both university and college, I like the college system much better, and found that Cambrian has a two year Journalism degree. Looking into it more closely, I sent out some e-mails, only to discover I missed the "equal opportunity" deadline, which was February 1st... So I missed it by two days. Not a problem though apparently as their journalism course takes in as many as apply. No pressure or anything, but I should probably decide soon what it is that I want to do.

It's very tempting, but there was also a one year program down here in Toronto that I could take, not to mention ones in Ottawa and other various places.

I'm definitely going to call my parents tonight and see what they think. I feel it would be a good job opportunity as well, having a Journalism degree with a background in Fashion Design. Maybe someday I could get my own weekly spot in the newspaper? Who knows!

... There's just so much weighing down on this right now. Thing is, I want to make the choice on my own, so I'm not asking for any advice from anyone. Well, except my parents for obvious financial reasons! Ha!

I've decided I'm not much of a morning person. I don't like getting up before 8:00... like today. Lucky for me, I have a cup of strawberry tea to keep me company.


Now all I need is socks.

It feels like this week has been dragging on forever.

On top of being sick, miserable and missing important pop-quizzes in classes (I missed two in two days. go figure.) the apartment is in desperate need of a good cleaning. I'm trying my best to work on that right now actually, cleaning up the mounding dishes that never seems to fully die. I've also found myself to be relatively anti-social this week. It tends to happen when I get sick, I enjoy taking my alone time to myself. I haven't really been answering the phone if I'm home alone, letting the machine get it. I haven't gone out for anything but groceries. I haven't even been to school two days of four this week so far.

It seems the only person I'm really sticking to is my boyfriend... probably because I'm looking for attention from him. This, in turn, makes me a little homesick once again. Though in the longer run, I think I've started getting past that a little more.

On a brighter note, I've been eating MUCH better! My cooking skill has also increased enough to take my next rank in cooking. Maybe now I'll make some roast raptor or something. ... ... ... In all seriousness though, I feel I have gotten better. I think that my cooking three nights a week has really helped. Oh, and I don't count chicken fingers and perogies as cooking. I mean that I've actually been preparing dinners like rump roasts, baked potatoes, macaroni and cheese (NOT Kraft dinner, but actually made from scratch) other meats and veggies, salads, other green healthy foods. I feel good about it. Next week I want to make a stir fry or maybe some kind of more complicated dish - time permitting of course. I have noticed I'm not online as much because of my attempts at spending time in the kitchen, which also includes trying to clean up before and after.

... Now I just need to clean the bathroom.


Well, I think those dishes have soaked long enough, time for me to get back to work on them before Steph comes home! Then she gets to do a load to try and knock a chunk out of the mountain.

... some definite changes in my lifestyle are in order, and I think I've made a good start.

At least tomorrow is Friday, then I just have a molehill of work to do over the weekend, as well as prepare for some stuff that will be due next week! Aya! It starts!

Well, my second class of the day is starting, but I'm at home still. I didn't get much sleep last night for some reason, sleeping from about 3:00 to 6:00. I decided it would be best if I stayed home.

I plan to make mac and cheese V.2.0 tonight. I hope it comes out better than the last one - which wasn't bad, just could have been better.

My self punishment for missing class today is that I have to trace out and cut out my drafting assignment which carries over into sewing for next week. I just hope someone picked me up a bag of fuse and trims today from class so I don't have to make my absence noticed tomorrow by getting one myself. I doubt Nikki would have, but there's a chance that Callie will. *crosses fingers*

I think I might head back to bed. Three hours of sleep just isn't enough for me to function properly... not yet at least.